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Ari and Seppo are singles in their forties who dream of a child: “Most people are silent when they to” – Family

“There are a lot of men who dream of having a baby. It’s not just about women’s desires. ”

Helsinki Ari, 43, is a healthcare professional, theater enthusiast, fitness athlete and bench athlete.

In addition, he is one of Finland’s hundreds of thousands of single people and singles.

– There are a lot of men who dream of having a baby. It’s not just women’s aspirations, Ari recalls.

  • Read more: See the single situation in your home community – real-life Bachelors live here

The voices of loners – and especially the voices of singles dreaming of a child – are left out in places in public.

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However, the lack of a suitable partner is one of the most significant causes of involuntary infertility. The topic also came up in Ilta-Sanomat’s large baby roof survey in 2019.

A total of 17,497 readers responded to the survey, 17 percent of whom said they could consider having children if they could find a partner.

  • Read more: Finns tell what could make them have children – the answer of a 35-year-old woman says it is essential

The same situation is with Ari, who, in her own words, has “numerous first dates” behind her. Charming people can fit in the world, but something just hasn’t nazed. “That right” has not come against Ari.

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– It is not a question of not having the will and the will. Life has just gone so that the interests of two people have not met. Nice is not enough for many, Ari says.

Ari is actively looking for a partner

Ari has always dreamed of children, but in the absence of a suitable partner, the wish has had to be postponed. Korona limits dating, but the dream still lives on.

Ari is actively working on her dreams.

Ari, 43, from Helsinki, is a healthcare professional, theater enthusiast, fitness athlete and bench athlete. In addition, he is one of Finland’s hundreds of thousands of single people and singles.­

The man is known, among other things, as one of the moderators of the Korona-era Singles or KoSi group, which encourages other dreamers to contact each other.

– The corona period has aroused the desire of many parents for a relationship and family. I think it is important that more and more people come to the public about it. This creates better opportunities for people to approach and find each other.

Ari’s own dreams are to find a life-affirming person who dreams of a family.

One criterion Ari does not compromise on: the future partner should want a child, otherwise Ari would have to give up too much of her dreams.

– I have written haaveestani also dating site presentation text. It may banish some potential partners, but it can’t do anything.

“Infertility was not the reason for our resignation”

Also living in Helsinki Seppo*, 41, is a single who has been dreaming of a child for a long time.

Seppo is inadvertently childless, as no new life partner has been found alongside since the separation. The last long relationship lasted eight years and was overshadowed by a partner suffering from bad endometriosis.

– The ex-partner had a hysterectomy. Infertility was not the reason for our resignation, but of course everything affects everything, Seppo reflects.

The man is of the opinion that in the past, work also took an unnecessarily high place in the ranking of values ​​in life.

– Today, I think that there are more important things in life than work. I have lived closer to ten different cities and moved behind the work. A child cannot be put in such a spin, as it is challenging for an adult as well.

Seppo, who works as a restaurant employee, has recently taken a break from dating. Meeting new people does not seem appropriate now, as the pandemic period has been both financially and mentally difficult.

– Today, I think that there are more important things in life than work. I have lived closer to ten different cities and moved behind the work. A child cannot be put in such a spin, as it is challenging for an adult as well.

When he is interested in finding a partner again, he is looking for a person who dreams of children. Unfortunately, some women card out a man who is over forty and childless.

– This is what Tinder encounters. Most people are silent when I realize that not everyone can have children, Seppo says.

“The partner must be younger than me”

Forties Singles Ari and Seppo hope that a suitable partner will still come. There are, of course, limiting factors.

When you have a child in your dreams, the age of the potential partner makes you think.

– The situation is that if I want to have children, my partner has to be younger than me. For me, the fact that my partner is younger is just fine. But of course I understand that my own market value is also decreasing all the time, Ari says.

Seppo wonders if he is already too old to be a father.

Therefore, it has occurred to me that perhaps a partnership parent would be better suited to him for his age. Then one should not wait for the relationship to stabilize.

Ari, too, has begun to wonder whether the dream must necessarily be realized in the traditional way.

– I talked to kumppanuusvanhemmuudesta social network. My thoughts on this have changed so that I do not keep it completely out of the question. Primarily, however, I dream of a partner and a child through this.

Life goes by how it goes, men do well.

Seppo points out that free time is already being filled when the friends are snoring, and there is room in life for a new dog, for example.

Ari, for her part, thinks that if the biggest dream doesn’t come true, then life will continue without a child.

– Everything is possible in life, but you can never know for sure how it will go. Nor can it be the only purpose of life that a child is forced to have.

* Sepo’s name has been changed.

“Should develop models for self-fatherhood”

Inadvertently, the childless tell what speeches about baby loss feel and what kind of support they need from society and the environment.

Facebook works LapSi-childless Singles group where singles who dream of adding a family exchange their thoughts.

The group acts as a peer support for singles who dream of a family. In the group, you can look for a life partner, a partnership parenting partner, or have a discussion about your child’s dreams.

– All topics are allowed in the group, so you can exchange ideas on other topics. Those who consider the acquisition of a child alone and those who have acquired a child alone or through a partnership parenting are also happy to be included, says the administrator of the group, who remains anonymous, tells Ilta-Sanomat.

We asked members of the group what the talk of baby loss feels like and how society should inadvertently consider childless people.

“Yes, it causes a bad feeling when you take care of childbirth. Yes, the child would very much like and want, but not suddenly, but suddenly to start childbirth. Not everyone, despite their desire, can have a child, even if society values ​​a person according to whether he or she has children or not. As a child, yes, I wonder what that purpose of life is and whether I am worthless because I don’t have a child. In the eyes of society, childless are worthless. It irritates and causes grief because I am not childless of my own volition. Unfortunately, the nuclear family is still the norm and everyone who does not fit into this norm is in the teeth of society. ”

“Lack of a partner is for me at least the only reason for infertility. Models should be developed to enable independent fatherhood. ”

“The quick response to a baby roof would be for the state to support fertility treatments for single women who need a baby.”

“The age limit for fertility treatments could also be raised slightly. I know the risks are higher with age, but it is certainly known to anyone who tries to have a child. ”

“The problem is certainly the lack of a partner, but also awareness of how much age affects success could be increased. There also seems to be too much emphasis on how great it is to be with children. More should be brought to the fore about good things and how much relevance a child brings to life. Nor does life end with having a child. ”

“Society should develop alternative ways, such as facilitating adoption and access to fertility treatments. Male infertility and longing for children should also be considered. Surrogate families are also needed. Indeed, it would also be important for society to create alternative ways to “combat” the pain of infertility, and not just create pressure on how everyone should participate in childbirth.

In addition, attention should be paid to the effects of urbanization in finding a partner. It would be important to keep the whole of Finland inhabited and of a uniform age structure. Now we already have a situation where in rural areas men are often left without a partner because women have left for the cities. In the cities, on the other hand, there is an oversupply of single women with higher education. ”

“Lack of a partner is a cause and a great sorrow. I have experienced this phase of life really strange. Do your best here for everyone to try. The stuff in the magazines seems to mostly deal with a different galaxy than where I live. For me, self-motherhood has not seemed a suitable option, but it would be really great if my own eggs could be proactively frozen with support. ”

“It’s annoying to often read about child loss and not wanting children. However, that is not the case. Many want their own child more than anything else. However, it is not necessarily talked about. The lack of a suitable partner is one of the reasons for infertility. ”

“It’s good that we’ve talked about different family models lately, but not enough. Women have the opportunity to have a child alone, but where is the opportunity for men? ”

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